Jun 5, 2010

Hidden

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 11; the eleventh edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

Hari sat sweating on the leather couch, his pulse racing with every gone second. "Should I, should I not!" His thoughts were in a constant skirmish with one another. His phone rang; he answered. The voice said, "Remember, you are hidden, only some minutes to go!" He stared into oblivion for some time.

The briefcase screamed from the corner of the room, "PICK ME UP!", it seemed to say, "TAKE ME!" Hari got up from the couch.

He checked his tie in the mirror and when all seemed perfect, he shouted with all his strength for the one last time, "God, forgive me!!!" He started crying. Then, wiping his tears, he collected himself and started for the door. The briefcase smiled at him and wished him luck. He picked it up, came out of his hotel room, locked the door, took the elevator, smiled at the bellboy, reached the reception and checked out.

He walked some distance and hired a cab. His phone rang, it said, "You know what you got to do, ain't you?" He hung up cursing, tensed. He got out of the cab. Walked and reached the location. His briefcase shouted, "Not this one fool, the next one!" He stopped. He was tired of playing hide-and-seek for the past 5 days. He had to be hidden from everybody. But he knew, he couldn't hide from himself.

The train arrived and he boarded. It was jam packed; somehow he managed to get a seat in one corner. He sat, clutching at his briefcase.

He closed his eyes and drifted back into memories. His first bicycle: his father had saved for the money for 10 months to get one for his son; he rode on it for the whole day and had reached home bruised and aching all over. The first time he got burnt: he had accidentally stepped on  a burnt firecracker and his mother had shed buckets of tears. Praneeta, his first love: he had failed miserably to satisfy her for the first time and had broken up. His first salary: the gleaming sari for his mother and the coat for his father. His marriage: he had got married amidst a lot of fight; his wife was an outcast; but their love helped them win over everybody. The birth of his son: how his son resembled him was the hottest story amongst all relatives, still. And then, this phone call one day, on his son's 7th birthday. "Sumi, Arpan, where are you, Ohh God!!" he had shouted on returning back from office to home. The caller said, "Trust me, they are with us. Trust me even more, you fail there, your wife gets raped and your son, castrated!"

He opened his eyes, moist. The lady beside him, with her 2 year old son, asked him if he needed some water. The son eagerly offered him water from his pink bunny-shaped water sipper. He took a sip. His briefcase pleaded for some fresh air. He needed some too, he thought.

He came out of the crowd to the door and leaned outside. His briefcase breathed openly, quite aware it were the last moments. He opened his arms, looked at his watch, "It's time! Time to reveal the hidden!", he screamed.

11 July, 2006 - 6:35pm: There was a huge explosion on a fast train bound to Virar from Churchgate at Borivali station.

Hari, now unhidden, lay on the track minus his limbs, with parts of his briefcase and the pink bunny-shaped water sipper beside him.

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

43 comments:

Vikas Khair said...

Good one but reminded me of 'Aamir' which of course was a copy of Filipino movie 'Cavite'. But nice try Pooja keep it up.

Pooja Menon said...

Thanks Vikas! I know, Aamir was the inspiration! Thanks for dropping by :)

Sourav C. Pandey said...

I knew when I started reading this, I will like it and yes you didn't disappoint I liked it a lot, honestly!

*Hari, now unhidden, lay on the track minus his limbs, with parts of his briefcase and the pink bunny-shaped water sipper beside him.*

I can actually picture all this, your post was based on reality, and that's the best thing I liked about it! Not to forget, there is always a well carved out suspense in your stories.. Well Done! :)

Hidden...in love with me and life! :)

Pooja Menon said...

Thanks Sourav! You always encourage and that means a lot! Thanks for liking it! M glad I could evoke the desired response :)

The Fool said...

You managed to maintain a terse flow and narrative. Could have been a wee bit longer though elaborating a bit more on his mental conflict.

Vibhuti B said...

Hey Pooja..
this is the first time Im visiting ur blog and am thankful to BAT that we get to discover gr8 blogs like urs. For me another gr8 blog has come unhidden..:D
U have a great style of writing that keeps the reader bound and reading on...:D
This story did remind me of the movie Aamir but you've told it in such a fashion that it has an identity of its own!

Gyanban said...

My kind of story..I d like to call it 'fictoreal' - i think you captured the mood and the sentiment quite well, the sense of desperation, dilemma were etched out nicely. However, some sentences need rephrasing for an easier read.
Good stuff.

Nethra said...

If you hadn't participated, then we would have missed reading such a good post.Do I need to say anymore? Well, it was a wonderful read and all the best for blog-a-ton. :)

vEnKy said...

I found the narration good. I have not watched Aamir, so i couldnt find any similarities :-) with other stories.

Leo said...

i felt this was headed somewhere like this! the narration was wonderful and the reason behind what he did, u expressed well. a nice ring to it.. needed something more, i felt. but not sure what n where! :)

all the best!

Leo - Hidden

Tuppence said...

Pooja, nice story. Am stopping by your blog for the first time and I like your writing style .
Nicely imagined and aptly related to the theme.
Keep writing and all the best.
--<a href="http://matuppenceworth.blogspot.com/2010/06/hidden.html>Tuppence</a>

Scribbling Girl said...

This was a good one on how bad times turn good into bad..interesting take on terrorism....good one.
All the best

Pooja Menon said...

@The Fool.. Thanks for dropping by. Yes, I did wanna keep it long but didn't really wanna write a long post! :)

Pooja Menon said...

@Vibhuti.. Thanks a ton for the encouragement. This is my first time in BAT. All the best to u too :)

Pooja Menon said...

@Gyanban.. Hey thanks for the comment and the suggestion. I'll take note of it. Your 55F was awesome! All the best :)

Pooja Menon said...

@Nethra.. That comment meant a lot ya! Thanks a ton girl! All the best to u too :)

Pooja Menon said...

@Venky .. Thanks for dropping by! Yes, I did draw inspiration from Aamir :)

Pooja Menon said...

@Leo.. Thanks a lot for the comment. Don't know what it lacked! But, suggestion taken sir :)

Pooja Menon said...

@Tuppence.. Thanks a ton man! That meant a lot! Will drop by yours too soon :)

Pooja Menon said...

@Scribbling Girl.. Thanks a lot! :)

Richa Sharma said...

i call it picturesque writing as i could visualize it all. Loved the way you paid attention to the minute details; smile to the bellboy, the pink bunny sipper, the corner seat. Added more to the post.
ATB.. Kp writing :)

Pooja Menon said...

@Richa.. Thanks a lot for the comment. And thanks a lot for being observant. M so glad that it did get noticed! All the best to u too :)

Advaita said...

bows :-)

vamsi said...

Hey that was a well woven story..This time u came out with a post that had a good filmi touch..good one..:)

Brijender Singh said...

Simple story,beautifully told-but i wish you had given it more words-just when the pathos was getting to us,you ended it and deprived us of wallowing a little longer in the quagmire of human emotions.
Fascinating read

- The Virgin Author! said...

Pooja, you never fail to amaze me with your posts. Every single post of your is so well executed, including this one. Keep writing! :)

All the best for BAT!

PS: http://bit.ly/thestupidgirl

Mahesh Kalaal said...

The way you have presented the incident with those past sweet things of his personal life in between, is quite impacting ...
I loved those past memoirs ....could connect to them n an empathetic way....
I can visualise every sentence you wrote...
Ex: Briefcase asking him...
Wonderful narration
The writer's ability comes out in handling such stories and you have done fantastic job

infinity downline said...

Thanks for sharing a nice blog.I really like your post. The picture you have posted here is really very nice. Great post!

Siddhesh 'Ravan' Kabe said...

the article is wonderful pooja... all the best for batom!!!

Pooja Menon said...

@Advaita.. Thanks a ton! :)

@vamsi.. Thanks man! Yeah, many did tell me that it was somewhat Aamir-kinda :)

Pooja Menon said...

@Brijendar Singh.. Thanks a ton! Thanks for dropping by! :)

Pooja Menon said...

@Arjit.. Thanks again! All the best for BAT to u too :)

Pooja Menon said...

@Mahesh.. Thanks a lot! M glad you did notice the subtle expressions i used.. :)

Pooja Menon said...

@infinity downline.. thanks a ton! :)

@Siddhesh.. Thanks a ton man! Same to u :)

Vikas Khair said...

@Pooja although I quoted Aamir it pains to think that like post of movies in India 'Aamir' was also indeed a blatant frame-by-frame copy of a rather unknown filipino movie called 'Cavite'. I know its hard finding original ideas in this world where almost everything subject has been written about and filmed about but that still doesn't give filmmakers to make exact copies of foreign movies. But still good post all the best for BAT

adreamygal said...

Made me remind me remind of Aamir ..superbly narated !! :)with wonderful flow and emotions catched into words :) All the best for BATOM :)

Pooja Menon said...

@Vikas.. Thanks for the 2nd comment and the reinforcement of the fact that this post draws inspiration from Aamir. Yes, it does. :)

Drawing inspiration is cool as long as you breathe soul into your writing and make its narration and style, unique; which you will understand if u read the rest of the comments I have on this post. Plus, make note, that NOT making basic grammatical and formatting errors is also an important aspect of being a good writer.

U seem to be very knowledgeable and your blog, posts, number of followers and '5' entries on the same topic 'Hidden' show how confident you are! All the best for BAT. :)

Pooja Menon said...

@Arti.. Thanks a lot sweety :) All the best to u too :)

Mural! said...

I too haven't watched Aamir, so everything was for the first time and felt new and fresh :)

the narrative was very good and plot fresh :D

Deeps!! said...

the plot, the style, the words... very impressed pooja.. nice read!! :) :)

Anant joshi said...

superbly narrated..this is the first time i came to ur blog....highly impressive, the expression, the words ,...ur articles is so interesting tht i read all post in a single sitting.

Shrouded in Mystery said...

A good attempt on Human Conscience! In Aamir, he blew up himself. In your story, The character cannot stop thinking about his family. A classic ethical dilemma! good thinking missy

Shrouded in Mystery said...

Fast read! Can draw parallels from Amir. But in your story, the character cant think beyond his family, a classic ethical dilemma! nice work again.